Adaptation in Wrestling

Q: Explain how species adapt to changing environments to enhance
survival and reproductive success, including changes in structure,
behavior, or physiology and give examples.

By Zip Whittle

Throughout history organisms have adapted to their changing
environments in order to enhance their survival and reproductive
success. Successful transformations have involved bringing sexual
partners closer to a creature's natural habitat, finding adaptive
advantages within ecological limitations and developing the use
colorful marks in order to confuse and disorient your enemies. These
behavioral and structural alterations have been implemented both
through biological evolution and organic realization.

For most of the 20th Century, the halls of smoky-filled arenas were
filled with professional wrestlers each limited in their ability to
seek appropriate mating partners. Often, wrestlers would be forced to
take turns with rats and stunt grannies in order to fulfill their
carnal urges. However, in the 1980s an adaptation displayed by
promoters uncovered a new way to satisfy the wrestler's insatiable
sexual cravings. Instead of traveling town to town searching for
lustful encounters, the promoters would simply bring along a female
valet. For instance, World Class Championship Wrestling hired Missy
Hyatt in 1985 for the purposes of satisfying the wrestler's wanton
carnal hankerings when confused young ring boys simply would not do.
Some scientists speculated that this adaptation could not be further
improved. However, nature continues to amaze and prevail. In 2004,
the world was stunned to learn that within the nesting environment of
Vincacious McMahonicus a new species, DIVASEARCH DIMWITICUS, had been
discovered! Research into this whole new genus had already led to
breakthroughs in many fields including luggage/fecal matter cleaning
innovations as well as explaining the rise of back injuries among
blonds in Kentucky (the so-called Billard-Rogers conundrum).

Millions of years ago, many giant dinosaurs ruled the Earth. Yet,
after the Xenu coordinated the asteroid strike on the planet, it was
the smaller, more agile creatures which survived to the next age.
While the towering Tyrannosaurus Rex struggled to find enough food to
eat and eventually became extinct, fossil records demonstrate that the
smaller, cleverer Velociraptor survived much longer. While brain size
(especially in ratio to body mass) could have played a role in the
positive adaptations which benefited the Raptors, there were other
behavioral differences which benefited the one species of terrible
thunder lizard far greater than the other. While both faced with the
same changing planetscape and similar predators, the Velociraptor was
better adapted to the new environment. Similarly, the modern saga of
the "Big Man" in professional wrestling has always pitted natural
enemies: Behemoths vs. Gravity. Compare "Psycho" Sid Euly to Nathan
"Wacky Spinkick" Jones. Neither rain nor snow nor squeegees nor
softball season nor prison could fully stop either lumbering beast.
However, the powerful ability of being "absolutely batshit crazy" has
preserved Jones in relative good health while Euly career ended
following a horrific bone breakage from lack of sufficient calcium in
his weekly steroids. Again, we see that within creatures of the same
size, mental capacity will play an important role.

In nature, the use of color has always had an interesting correlation
to both speed and craziness. In the beginning there was the Destroyer
(DESTROYER EXECO), and it was good. While the speed was slow, the
sanity was normal. But lo, as time rolled on, the mask evolved.
Masks added colors, horns, levers and eventually when combined Paso
devaluation these entire species evolved. This new class was quicker
but far more insane with notable examples such as such Nicho Psicosis
(WATERPISTOLIO INSANACO). This remarkable evolution has come so far
that in some remote locations, like Australia, the creatures are known
to remove all their clothes (including the distinctive masks) and
operate in the broad daylight (see Juvi Guerrera -NAKEDONE INSANACO).

A parasite is a life form that has evolutionally adapted the
phylogenetically ability to feed off another living organism's
resources in a non-symbiotic fashion. A prime example would be the
Brock Lesnar (species: CARNIVORA SOUTHDAKOTIUS) and Rena "Sable" Mero
(MILFANIOUS HAGGARDFACIOUS). With each successive ridiculous chest
tattoo, the female indvidiaul borrows further into the checkbook of
the male. After a series of several years and several pounds of drug
medication, the creatures become completely inseparable. This
adaptation can also be seen in other places in the animal kingdom such
as K-Fed/Brittany and Helter Skelter/Indy Wrestling.

As you can clearly see, species adapt to changing environments to
enhance survival and reproductive success.